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The 2009 New England Patriots football team passed away (no pun intended) today, after a lengthy illness. The Patriots suffered from various maladies and infirments, all of which came to a head in the last two weeks.
Among the Patriots afflictions, none were more obvious than the extremely rare Exaggerated Glorious Offensitis, or EGO. This fast moving disease first showed symptoms in Indianapolis, when Dr. Hoodie went for it on the well documented 4th and 2. EGO is usually brought on as a result of other illnesses, many of which the Flying Elvii suffered. Clearly, the good doctor was well aware of his patient's condition, and allowed the onset of EGO in the hopes of overcoming some of these other sicknesses. That was apparent today as The Chosen One threw two interceptions, one a forced throw to Moss, the other, a poor choice late in the game, being sacked with no timeouts left. EGO can, and often does, infect the coaching staff, as it appears that this team's staff was. One need look no further than the poor choice of going for it on 4th and 1 from the Miami six yard line. A chip shot for the Pats pro bowl kicker, the staff opted for the touchdown, where they were denied by the Miami D. Three points at that time in the game and the Patriots escape with a win, allowing Dr. Hoodie and his staff to further treat the patient.
Another ailment the Disciples of Dr. Hoodie suffered from this season was LPR, or Lack of Pass Rush, also known as Max Lane Syndrome. The New Englanders trail such juggernauts as Cleveland and Tampa in team sacks for 2009. The inability to rush the passer played a key role in defeats at Indy, New Orleans, and Miami. Without the ability to stop the pass, the secondary was exposed yet again.
This 2009 team also suffered from the same ailment as last years team, Porous Secondaritis, or Deltha O'neal's Disease.(DOD) While last season's squad had a fatal case of this disorder, this year's squad showed glimpses of recovery, only to succumb to all the sicknesses infecting the team. Clearly, improvement is needed, especially with Jonathan Wilhite, who appears to be riddled with DOD.
Yet another of the infections, and probably the most likely cause of death, pending autopsy, is the slow incubating but often fatal Playmaker Influenza, or Bruschi Flu. (L7MP*). The Bruschi Flu develops as players get older, and is often mistaken for Lost Steps Condition. While LSC can lead to L7MP, more often than not, L7Mp breaks out as teams go through the dreaded 'transition period' between championship runs. Simply put, teams run out of guys capable of making a play when the pressure is greatest.
While it appears that these symptoms all onset this this season, the contagion can be traced all the way back to September 7, 2008. That was the day The Chosen One went down, tearing his ACL/MCL vs. the Chiefs. That team, full of GWTR**, was coming off the humiliating loss in Super Bowl XLII. They were geared up to make one last stand, one final run at glory. When Brady went down, the various viruses were contracted. That team fought valiantly, but in the end, could not get it done. This team will fight on, but the symptoms make it impossible for the 2009 Patriots to compete for a championship.
Next of kin in Kansas City, Oakland, and Philadelphia will be notified. Calling hours will be in Buffalo, Dec. 20. Final burial will be announced for sometime in January.
*Lose 7, Miss Playoffs
** Guys With The Rings
from section102.blogspot.com
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